5a(1). Fill Sentences [b]Streamline your essay by avoiding unnecessary sentences. [b] Avoid sentences that do not advance your argument. [b] Avoid asking a question only to answer it. [b] Avoid sentences that announce that you are shifting the topic. Use [b]transitional phrases instead of writing sentences to change your subject. [b]FILL: Who should be the next president? I think Mike Dukakis should give it [b]another try. [b]TO THE POINT: Mike Dukakis should make a second bid for the presidency. [b][b]Exercise 1: Avoid "fill" sentences that do not serve a purpose. [b]Condense the two-sentence groups into one sentence. [b][b]1. Who was Abraham Lincoln? He was a President of the United States. [b][b]2. Patton was a famous general. He was renowned for his ability to surprise [b]the enemy. [b][b]3. The twister destroyed three city blocks. Many buildings collapsed [b]because of the twister. [b][b]answers below: [b][b][b]Answers [b]1. Abraham Lincoln was President of the United States. [b]2. General Patton was famous for his ability to surprise the enemy. [b]3. Many buildings were destroyed by the twister that destroyed three city [b]blocks. [b][b]5a(2). Be Concise [b][b]Do not use several words when one will do. Writers tend to add phrases [b]like "take into consideration" in order to sound scholarly. This only makes [b]the text sound inflated and sophomoric. Don't use excessive and unnecessary [b]verbiage. [b]WORDY: I am of the opinion that the said managers should be admonished for [b]their utilization of customer response services. [b]CONCISE: We should tell the managers to improve customer service. [b][b]Exercise 2: Wordy Phrases [b]Shorten the sentence. (see answers) [b]1. This internet company is not prepared to expand at this point in time. [b][b]2. In light of the fact that Roger has worked with much effort and [b]diligence to build this site, it would be a smart move to give him the [b]contract. [b][b]3. The airline has a problem with always having arrivals that come at least [b]an hour late, despite the fact that the leaders of the airline promise that [b]promptness is a goal which has a high priority for all the employees [b]involved. [b][b]4. In spite of the fact that she only has a little bit of experience in [b]photography right now, she will probably do well in the future because she [b]has a great deal of motivation to succeed in her chosen profession. [b][b]5. The United States is not in a position to spend more money to alleviate [b]the suffering of the people of other countries considering the problems of [b]its own citizens. [b][b]see answers below [b][b]Answers [b]1. The internet company is not prepared to expand now. [b]2. Since Roger has worked for this site so carefully, we should award him [b]the contract. [b]3. Flights are always at least an hour late on this airline, though its [b]leaders promise that promptness is a high priority for all its employees. [b]4. Although she is inexperienced in photography, she will probably succeed [b]because she is motivated. [b]5. The United States cannot spend more money to alleviate other countries' [b]suffering when its own citizens suffer. [b]5a(3). Qualification [b]Writing an AWA essay on the Analysis of Issue is walking a tight rope. You [b]have to be persuasive about your argument, yet you cannot be excessively [b]one-sided. The Analysis of Issue questions do not have a clear-cut "answer" [b]to the essay topic, so do not overstate your case. To express that you are [b]reasonable, sporadically use qualifiers such as fairly, rather, somewhat, [b]relatively, and such expressions as seems to be, a little, and a certain [b]amount of. However, excessive use of qualification will dilute your [b]argument and weaken the essay. [b]WORDY: The Hess spy case was rather serious breach of national security and [b]likely helped the Soviets. [b]CONCISE: The Hess spy case breached national security and helped the [b]Soviets. [b][b]1. You yourself are the very best person to decide what you should do for a [b]living. [b][b]2. It is possible that the author overstates his case somewhat. [b][b]3. The president perhaps should use a certain amount of diplomacy before he [b]resorts to force. [b][b]4. In Italy, I found about the best food I have ever eaten. [b][b]5. Needless to say, children should be taught to cooperate at home and in [b]school. [b][b]Answers: [b]1. You are the best person to decide what you should do for a living. [b]2. The author overstates his case somewhat. [b]3. The president should use diplomacy before he resorts to force. [b]4. In Italy I found the best food I have ever eaten. [b]5. Children should be taught to cooperate at home and in school. [b](If 5a(4). Start Strong [b]Try not to begin a sentence with There is, There are, or It is. These [b]roundabout expressions usually indicate that you are trying to distance [b]yourself from the position you are taking. Weak openings usually result [b]from writing before you think- hedging until you find out what you want to [b]say. [b]there's no need to say it, don't!) [b]5a(5). Active & Passive Voice [b]TThe passive voice is weak because it diminishes accountability. When you [b]use the active voice the verb performs an action. The passive voice does [b]not directly suggest that the user does something. [b]The passive voice does have value under certain circumstances. For [b]instance, if you want to express something without assigning blame or if [b]there is a question of responsibility. For example: "collateral damage has [b]taken place". The sentence blames no one and does not assign who actually [b]did it. [b]PASSIVE: The assignment was completed by Joe in record time. [b]ACTIVE: Joe completed the assignment in record time. [b][b]How is it Graded? [b]Both the E-rater and the human grader can detect the passive voice and it [b]will lower your score. Admissions officers will also frown on it. [b][b]International Students: [b][b]Certain languages, such as French, use more passives. Be careful to adjust [b]your style. [b][b]Exercises: rewrite the sentences [b]1. Garbage collectors should be generously rewarded for their dirty, smelly [b]labors. [b][b]2. The conditions of the contract agreement were ironed out minutes before [b]the strike deadline. [b][b]3. The minutes of the City Council meeting should be taken by the city [b]clerk. [b][b]4. With sugar, water, or salt, many ailments contracted in less developed [b]countries could be treated. [b][b]5. Test results were distributed with no concern for confidentiality. [b][b]6.The report was compiled by a number of field anthropologists and marriage [b]experts. [b][b]Answers: [b]1. incorrect: Garbage collectors should be generously rewarded for their [b]dirty, smelly labors. [b]correct: City government should generously reward garbage collectors for [b]their dirty, smelly labors. [b][b]2. incorrect: The conditions of the contract agreement were ironed out [b]minutes before the strike deadline. [b]correct: Negotiators ironed out the conditions of the contract agreement [b]minutes before the strike deadline. [b]3. incorrect: The minutes of the City Council meeting should be taken by [b]the city clerk. [b]correct: The city clerk should take the minutes of the City Council meeting. [b][b]4. incorrect: With sugar, water, or salt, many ailments contracted in less [b]developed countries could be treated. [b]correct: With sugar, water, or salt, doctors can treat many of the ailments [b]that citizens of less developed countries contract. [b][b]5. incorrect:Test results were distributed with no concern for [b]confidentiality. [b][b]correct: The teacher distributed test results with no concern for [b]confidentiality. [b][b]6. incorrect: The report was compiled by a number of field anthropologists [b]and marriage experts. [b]correct: A number of field anthropologists and marriage experts compiled [b]the report. [b][b]5a(6). Self-Reference [b]Effective writers should avoid such unneeded phrases as "I believe," "I [b]feel," and "in my opinion." The grader knows whose opinion is being [b]expressed and he need not be reminded. [b]WEAK: I am of the opinion that excessive self-reference may add a level of [b]pomposity to an otherwise effective essay. [b][b]FORCEFUL: Excessive self-reference may add a level of pomposity to an [b]otherwise effective essay. [b]Self-reference, like qualification, is effective when used sparingly. [b][b]1. I must emphasize that I am not saying the author does not have a point. [b][b]2. If I were a college president, I would implement several specific [b]reforms to combat apathy. [b][b]3. It is my belief that either alternative would prove disastrous. [b][b]Answers [b]1. The author has a point. [b]2. College presidents should implement several specific reforms to combat [b]apathy. [b]3. Either alternative would prove disastrous. [b][b]5a(7). Redundancy [b][b]Redundancy is the unnecessary repetition of an idea. It is redundant to [b]say "a beginner lacking experience." The word beginner implies lack of [b]experience by itself. You may eliminate redundant words or phrases without [b]changing the meaning of the sentence. Watch out for words that add nothing [b]to the sense of the sentence. [b]Here are some common redundancies: [b]Redundant Phrase Concise Phrase [b]1. refer back to [b]2. Few in number few [b]3. Small-sized small [b]4. Grouped together grouped [b]5. In my own personal opinion in my opinion [b]6. End result result [b]7. Serious crisis crisis [b]8. New initiatives initiatives [b]Redundancy often results from carelessness, but you can easily eliminate [b]redundant elements when proofreading. [b]1. Those who can follow directions are few in number. [b][b]2. She has deliberately chosen to change careers. [b] 3. Dialogue opens up many doors to compromise. [b][b]4. The ultimate conclusion is that environmental and economic concerns are [b]intertwined. [b][b]Answers [b]1. Few people can follow directions. [b]2. She has chosen to change careers. [b]3. Dialogue opens many doors to compromise. [b]4. The conclusion is that environmental and economic concerns are [b]intertwined [b]5a(8): Vague Writing [b]Don't just ramble on when you're writing your GMAT essays. Choose specific, [b]descriptive words. Vague language weakens your writing because it forces [b]the reader to guess what you mean instead of concentrating fully on your [b]ideas and style. [b]WEAK: Brown is highly educated. [b]FORCEFUL: Brown has a master's degree in business administration. [b]WEAK: She is a great communicator. [b]FORCEFUL: She speaks persuasively. [b]Notice that sometimes, to be more specific and concrete, you will have to [b]use more words than you might with vague language. This principle is not in [b]conflict with the general objective of concision. Being concise may mean [b]eliminating unnecessary words. Avoiding vagueness may mean adding necessary [b]words to illustrate your point. [b][b]1. The principal told John that he should not even think about coming back [b]to school until he changed his ways. [b][b][b][b]2. The police detective had to seek the permission of the lawyer to [b]question the suspect. [b][b]3. Thousands of species of animals were destroyed when the last ice age [b]occurred. [b][b]4. The secretary was unable to complete the task that had been assigned. [b][b][b]Answers [b]1. The principal told John that he could not return to school until his [b]behavior improved. [b]2. The police detective had to ask the lawyer for permission to question [b]the suspect. [b]3. Thousands of animal species were destroyed in the last ice age. [b]4. The secretary was unable to type the document. [b]e 5a(9). Cliche [b]Cliches are overused expressions, expressions that may once have seemed [b]colorful and powerful but are now dull and worn out. Time pressure and [b]anxiety may make you lose focus; and that is when cliches may slip into [b]your writing. A reliance on cliches will suggest you are a lazy thinker. [b]Keep them out of your essay. [b]WEAK: Performance in a crisis is the acid test for a leader. [b]FORCEFUL: Performance in a crisis is the best indicator of a leader's [b]abilities. [b]Putting a cliche in quotation marks in order to indicate your distance from [b]the cliche does not strengthen the sentence. If anything, it just makes [b]weak writing more noticeable. Notice whether or not you use cliches. If you [b]do, ask yourself if you could substitute more specific language for the [b]cliche. [b]International Students: You should avoid any regional expressions. Students [b]from Britain and the commonwealth nations should particularly beware of [b]using local expressions that are not used in America. [b][b][b]Exercises [b]1. You have to take this new fad with a grain of salt. [b][b]2. The politician reminds me of Abraham Lincoln: He's like a diamond in the [b]rough. [b][b]3. A ballpark estimate of the number of fans in the stadium would be [b]120,000. [b][b]Answers [b]1. You need not take this new fad very seriously; it will surely pass. [b]2. The politician reminds me of Abraham Lincoln with his rough appearance [b]and warm heart. [b]3. I estimate that 120,000 fans were in the stadium. [b]. A ballpark estimate of the number of fans in the stadium would be 120,000. [b][b]permission of the lawyer s [b]