[b]Lesson Four: Style and Tone [b][b]Over the years, our editors have seen some amazing stories become [b]dreadfully boring and some ridiculously dry topics transform into an [b]exciting read. The culprit (or hero): writing style. Witness the advice of [b]some admissions officers who advised in the creation of this course: [b]Use a conversational style and easy-to-understand language to project a [b]genuine, relaxed image. [b]Make sure that your essay is readable. Don’t make us work. Give your essay [b]momentum-make sure that the parts work together and move to a point, [b]carrying the reader along. [b]Don’t bore us. More often it is the monotonous style, and not the subject [b]matter, that makes these essays dull. [b]A large majority of the corrections made by our editors fall into one of [b]five categories: Sentence Variety, Word Choice, Verb Tense, Transition and [b]Essay Clichés. If you weren’t paying attention in English class, here’s a [b]refresher… [b]1. Sentence Variety [b]Many applicants think that the longer the sentence they write, the better [b]the sentence. This is far from the truth. You do not need long, complicated [b]sentences to show that you are a good writer. In fact, short sentences [b]often pack the most punch. The best essays contain a variety of sentence [b]lengths, mixed within any given paragraph. Try reading your essay out-loud, [b]pausing at every period. Listen to the rhythm of your prose. Are all of the [b]sentences the same length? If each of your sentences twists and turns for [b]an entire paragraph, or you run out of breath at any point, break them up [b]into smaller statements. You may also want to try a more methodical [b]approach: [b]EXERCISE: SENTENCE VARIETY [b]Once you have completed your essay, try labeling each sentence “short” [b](under 10 words), “medium” (under 20 words), or “long” (20 or more [b]words). A nice paragraph might read something like M S M L M S. A dry essay [b]would be S S S M L L L. [b]2. Word Choice [b]Don’t Thesaurusize. Another big trap into which many applicants fall is [b]thinking that big words make good essays. Advanced vocabulary is fine if it [b]comes naturally to you, and when used correctly in an appropriate context. [b]Show, don’t tell. Too often, an essay with an interesting story will [b]fizzle into a series of statements that “tell” rather than “show” the [b]qualities of the writer. Students wrongfully assume that the reader will [b]not “get it” if they do not beat to death their main arguments. Thus, the [b]essay succumbs to the usual clichés: “the value of hard work and [b]perseverance” or “learning to make a difference” or “not taking loved [b]ones for granted” or “dreams coming true” or “learning from mistakes.” [b]Such statements are acceptable if used minimally, as in topic sentences, [b]but the best essays do not use them at all. Instead, allow the details of [b]your story to make the statement for you. An example helps elucidate the [b]difference: [b]In a mediocre essay: “I developed a new compassion for the disabled.” [b]In a better essay: “Whenever I had the chance to help the disabled, I did [b]so happily.” [b]In an excellent essay: “The next time Mrs. Cooper asked me to help her [b]across the street, I smiled and immediately took her arm.” [b]The first example provides no detail, the second example is still only [b]hypothetical, but the final example evokes a vivid image of something that [b]actually happened, thus placing the reader in the experience of the [b]applicant. [b]Don’t Get Too Conversational. Slang terms, clichés, contractions, and an [b]excessively casual tone should be eliminated from all but the most informal [b]essays. The following excerpt gives examples of all four offenses in a [b]college essay: [b]You are probably wondering, what are the political issues that make this [b]kid really mad? Well, I get steamed when I hear about my friends throwing [b]away their right to vote. Voting is part of what makes this country great. [b]Some people believe that their vote doesn’t count. Well, I think they’re [b]wrong. [b]In an essay like this one, in which you must show that you take things [b]seriously, your language should also take itself seriously. Only non- [b]traditional essays, such as ones in the form of narrative or dialogue, [b]should rely on conversational elements. Write informally only when you are [b]consciously trying to achieve an effect that conveys your meaning. [b]Don’t repeatedly start sentences with “I.” It is typical for the first [b]draft of an essay to have many of the following type of sentence: I + verb [b]+ object, for example, “I play soccer.” If this kind of simple structure [b]is used too many times in an essay, it will have two effects: your language [b]will sound stunted and unsophisticated; you will appear extremely [b]conceited -- imagine a conversation with someone who always talks about [b]herself. The trick is to change around the words without changing the [b]meaning. Here is an example: [b]Before: “I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard [b]to learn difficult pieces. I learned about the effort needed to improve [b]myself. I began to love music. [b]After: “I started playing piano at the age of eight. From the beginning, I [b]worked hard to learn difficult pieces, and this struggle taught me the [b]effort needed for self-improvement. My work with the piano nourished my [b]love for music. [b]Don’t repeat the same subject nouns. When writing an essay about soccer [b](or leadership), do not repeatedly use the word “soccer” (or [b]“leadership”). The repetition of nouns has much the same stunting effect [b]as the repetition of “I” (see above). Look for alternative phrases for [b]your subject nouns. For soccer, you might use vague synonyms (“the [b]sport,” “the game”) or specific terms (“going to practice,” [b]“completing a pass”). In the case of leadership, you could use phrases [b]such as “setting an example,” or “coordinating a group effort.” [b][b]51Edit.com Extra: Trimming the FatThe following words and phrases can [b]usually be deleted from your essay without any loss of meaning. Extra words [b]rob your prose of energy by making your language convoluted and just plain [b]fluffy (also known in some circles as “bull” or a stronger variant). The [b]following phrases are especially fattening because they invite passive [b]constructions, those that employ the verb, “to be.”I believe that, I feel [b]that, I hope that, I think that, I realized that, I learned that, in other [b]words, in order to, in fact, it is essential that, it is important to see [b]that, the reason why, the thing that is most important is, this is [b]important because, this means that, the point is that, really, very, [b]somewhat, absolutely, definitely, surely, truly, probably, practically, [b]hopefully, in conclusion, in summary.Also look for subtle redundancies of [b]the “X and Y” variety. Only a few examples of the many are provided [b]below. In each pair, the two words mean nearly the same thing -- so why [b]write both? Such redundancies show the reader that you are not thinking [b]about what you are saying. And, the more clichéd phrases make your essay [b]sound like all of the others. Instead of resorting to these sinister twins, [b]think of more precise language, words that really pin down your unique [b]experience.Hard work and effort, teamwork and cooperation, dreams and [b]aspirations, personal growth and development, determination and diligence, [b]challenges and difficulties, objectives and goals, worries and concerns, [b]love and caring. [b][b]