多将考网友给我参阅的习作，其中许多问题具有典型性和普遍性，特地劈一块帖子给大家参考，希望引起大家警惕和关注，其中有许多具有很大的危害性，比如第一篇的结构混乱，大家一定要注意在考场上避免。希望这篇短帖能给将赴考场的考生以帮助。 Hello 我4月9日就要考作文了 我将我写的一篇issue贴在下面 麻烦 能不能帮我看看这样的文章能得多少分 还有 我还需要在什么方面下功夫？ 不胜感激！ 12"People’s attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or surroundings than by any internal characteristic." Both the immediate situation or surroundings and the internal characteristic decide the attitudes of the people to some extent. （有效回应）The former is outer factor and the latter is inner one. At present, the discussion on which factor has more influence on people’s attitudes gains much （应该是more）attention. I agree that the inner factor--internal characteristic influences more. （第二次回应，说明这种赞同是有倾向性的，作者 偏向内因，修正首句回应）（冗赘重复influence和more，用does即可,简短有力）注：首段有效回应，虽然没有什么新意，但是对于写作基础差的考生来说，开门见山永远是上策。最忌的就是没有过硬的回应技巧而一味追求出格的新意，从而跑题。然而作者的文句干巴是明显的，具体表现在表述累赘和重复上（repetition）。比如末句表达倾向时，作者可以借用一些常见的表达式，比如Granted the opportunity to pick up one of the both by the judgment of greater power authorized, I’m apt to the latter, the intrinsic human nature.) On the one hand, it is undeniable that the immediate situation or surroundings is an important aspect that people will consider about when they make decision. (阐明本段主旨是论述外界环境的作用，明显是为后面强调内因 的作用让步) However, it is only the outer factor, and the final decision largely bases on the inner factor that is their internal characteristic. （无意义的重复首段，用转折表达本段真正段意，不可取）In other words, the outer factor just likes the activator and the inner factor is the reagent in a chemistry reaction. The reagents determine the reaction process and what we can get from it but the activator can do no more than accelerating or decelerating the speed of it. （句式杂糅，what 从句残缺，而且前面另一杂糅句the activator can后面应该接动词原形，因而两个动词都应改为accelerate, decelerate.）For example, when we choose our occupation, we probably will do a research on the aspects about salary level and well-being condition and working environment （and 冗余，前面第一个and应该改为逗号“，”）among the companies that we want to work in. These aspects are outer factors. What we consider most is whether we are able to do the job asked by the respective （错用词汇，应该是prospective）company and we are very likely to choose the job of the company accordingly to （应该改为in accordance with, 或者according with, 其他相关表达有conform to, correspond to）our ability which is （不要过多使用which is这类疑问代词表达式，可以用逗号或者省略来转化，这里宜改用逗号“，”）the inner factor in the end and regard a （去掉a）little about those outer factors or merely do it （冗余表达，去掉）when our inner factor allows us to be able to have more than one choice. On the other hand, it is inevitable that there are some situation or surroundings under which people are likely to make the same decision so that the action of their internal characteristic is somewhat ignored and seemingly the situation or surroundings influences more on people’s attitudes. （本段居然反过来指出环境的主导作用，也就是说阅卷者周折到这里才发现作者原来的主旨还是在首段第一句的首次回应，而不是末句的倾向，那么作者的条理显然存在严重不足，在首段主旨之处居然在强调2段的分论点，造成论点和分论点混乱的局面，使文章的结构性方面彻底失败。）Because we are all human beings that grow up in the communities that are more or less similar to each other, we naturally share many common inner characteristic, （注意看，作者这里明显在支持环境类似决定了性格类似，从而把一段末句的倾向性修正给推翻了。）such as fear, sorrow, anger, happiness and so on. I bet that many people cannot forget the film >.（阐述作品在英文中不用书名号，而是用“”或斜体字） It is so touching that makes many people shed tears. Is this because of the situation or surroundings in that film? The answer is certainly no, since if so all people who see it should weep, but some people do not. The human common inner characteristic of sorrow aroused by the film makes majority shed tears but minority whose inner sorrow characteristic is not sensitive to the situation or surroundings created by the film do not. （句子太冗余繁杂，多处词汇重复上文，造成文字苍白干涩，如果适当修改一下，感觉立刻不同，参考：The tears shed by majority whose inner characteristic of sorrow stems from the montage create the huge chasm against the minority immune to the atmospheric sensitivity.）Obviously, the internal characteristic influences （用exerts较好）on attitudes of people than （没有比较级何来than, 应该是rather than）the immediate situation or surroundings do. （谈了半天， 发觉作者原来由是同义转述第二段的内容，终于发现作者的段首句根本不是什么主题句，一直只是作者的一相情愿的让步，从结构上来说冒天下之大不韪，可见作者没有丝毫作文结构常识。） In a word, the outer factor only supplies the various conditions that the inner one works with. And the inner one mainly determines the developing direction of things. Consequently, the people’s attitudes are more influenced by their internal characteristic but （前面是比较级，后面怎么用 but, 应该改为than）the immediate situation or surroundings. （反复重复使用同样的语意词汇）(493words) 注：这篇作文最大的缺陷在于结构上的失策，作者没有结构性观念，无视主题句的重要引领作用，受到母语作文“卖关子”的毒害深重，完全没有英语作文的系统条理意识，这种表现极其危险。另外，作者在文章的主题中始终在围绕少的可怜的对比中展开，而没有铺陈开去好好展开各自的特点和作用，造成文章思想内容不强，论证毫无说服力，再加上语言的苍白冗余，使得文章的分数不可能“及格”。考虑到文章开始有合法回应，但是又被作者活活搞乱在首段末句，造成文章一上来就让人摸不着头脑，对照评分标准，应判为“2分”，即有严重问题作文。 240.The following appeared in a memo written by a dean at Buckingham College. "To serve the housing needs of our students, Buckingham College should build a new dormitory. Buckingham’s enrollment is growing and, based on current trends, should double over the next fifty years, thus making existing dormitories inadequate. Moreover, the average rent for an apartment in our town has increased in recent years. Consequently, students will find it increasingly difficult to afford off-campus housing. Finally, an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham. 10:05 In this argument, the arguer points out that the enrollment is increasing, as well as the rent of apartments in the town have （应该用has）increased, and the students may have difficult （应该是difficulty，difficult是形容词） in finding a house to live in order to persuade us （少掉to）believe that it is necessary for the school to build a new dormitory, which can attract more prospective student.(应该为students) Although the argument seems be （去掉be，seem作为联系动词可以直接接形容词）plausible, in fact there are several fatal faults in the reasoning process, and accordingly the conclusion is refutable. First of all the conclusion is based on the gratuitous assumption that there is a demand of dormitory. But the arguer provides no evidence that can prove it is the truth. Although there is a tendency that the enrollment is growing, but this groundless tendency (前半句已经用Although承认其有效，这里用groundless让人莫名其妙)cannot indicate the number of students will continue on augment in the next years; it is possible that there is a decline after the second years. So the dormitory existed can meet the needs of students. It is unnecessary to build a new dormitory, which will cost so much money. （将来的趋势不是批驳的重点，而应该是现在的宿舍楼是否与将来可能的学生数字之间的关系，也许现在还有很多空余学生宿舍，作者没有给出现在宿舍的条件和情况，我们不能来揣测作者数据的准确性，而是拿这个数据来考虑作者导出的结论。） Furthermore, the most important thing to attract students is not a new dormitory but the quality of education, the equipments/facilities/installation of the school etc. It is unreasonable that the arguer claims that a new dormitory can attract more perspective students. If the quality of teaching is so bad, it is inevitable that few students will enroll （少掉介词in）it, and let alone perspective students, even if it has a comfortable dormitory. On the contrary, although there is no attractive building, the best faculty and high quality of teaching still can attract perspective student; after all, students’ chief goal is to study and acquire knowledge. If the case /imagination（应该用possibility） is true, it will undermine the arguer’s conclusion. Therefore, the conclusion is suspectable. （拼写错误，susceptible） Finally, the arguer also declares that the increase of house rent will lead to students cannot find proper houses. (lead to 后面跟名词形式，不能跟从句， 可以改为lead to students’ failing to find proper houses.) It is untenable because the arguer provides no proof that can show how much the rent increase. Perhaps the rent is increased a little, and students still can afford it; hence it is possible that many students still will rent the house out of school instead of staying in dormitory. Overall, the argument is well delivered, but the conclusion is unconvincing. If the arguer wants to enhance his or her argument,(enhance的对象不是argument, 而是the cogency of the argument) he or she must provide more evidences like the suggestions of students, the survey about the future enrollment; he or she also should consider other possible alternatives and causes.（破坏列举的排比句式，失去了原有的句群模式，是败笔，可以保持为“and other possible alternatives and causes as well.） 10:36 注：作者在这里明显是存在论证句式贫乏，攻击力度虚弱等缺陷，另外在语言上也显不足，具体表现在对有些字词的运用失之偏颇。Argument的攻击必须要在“一点”上加以展开，作者只是干瘪的使用提纲式的句型揪出其中的小辫，而不知如何好好展开，所以处处感觉作者批驳得很艰难，很吃力。 159. The human mind will always be superior to machines because machines are only tools of human minds. 9:02 With the development of the science and technology, there is a growing discussion whether machines would replace people because there are so many tasks that are solved by machines, moreover sometimes many people feel they cannot do some work which (少用疑问关系代词，这些词在这里没有任何实际意义， 以下同)machines can serve. Although modern machines can deal with many problems that people cannot do, in fact machines are the products of human beings, and they cannot instead (instead是副词，不是动词，用法错误，应该同上用replace，以下同)people forever. To begin with, it is human beings who create machines so machines must be （少用be动词，换上实义动词就生动多了，比如operate, work）under the charge of people. Even if there are some intelligent machines like robust, computer etc, yet these products need people’s order, then they can work well. Take the modern manufacture industry as an example; in today’s assembly line, there are many jobs which can be done only by machines, while people still need to stay there in order to keep the machines work well and prevent machines from breaking out; sometimes, machines would make mistakes for their equipments have been broken （语法错误，for后面跟名词性短语，应该可以改为their equipments’ break或者their equipments having been broken）, then they will stop working; were not it （缺少介词过渡连接，用for）the help of people, machines would never be repaired by themselves. Therefore, machines can work effectively and efficiently just when human beings control them. Moreover, it is the most important thing that people can think and create new ideas, but machines can never think by themselves; machines only can work by following people’s orders. Even though the most intelligent machines still need the programs which people create to guide the machines to guide their work. （两个guide使句子失去活力而呆板，可以改为guide the machines to cope with their work）Facing a new environment or a new case, people can use their brain （brains，保持数的一致）to work a new idea （to work out a new idea）to solve it, but machines cannot do so, and they just can follow the old means （old不确切，对于机器来说他的指令是由人为规定，用 demanding 或者compulsory）to solve the problem; as a result, they will fail to solve the problem. （用分号分隔，割裂句意完整，这里没有并列之意，只是因果关系，因此可以改为：resulting their failure of solving the problem，用独立主格结构就生动多了。）Since human beings can think, they can change their mind （minds）and cope with problems according to the real conditions. While machines are different from people, they do work according to the special programs and they cannot solve problems according to case by case. （太多的according to，语句中突露出严重的词汇贫乏，使得文章读来枯燥乏味。这里完全可以换一种表述为：they do work catering to the special programs，being unable to solve problems case by case.）The human mind is the most crucial factor which promotes (在美国语法中，which多半是用在非限制性定语从句中，这里同上面一样完全可以略去转化，强烈建议参考谷约著《妙手著文章》)the progress of society. To some extent, the human mind is always superior to any other creatures, let alone machines. Finally, people can make machines serve people much better. When the advent of machines, （when从句残缺,连同下句做大手术改为The advent of machines brings about the dramatic improvement of the productivity of society and the concomitant benefits enjoyed by all people.）the productivity of society has been dramatically improved and almost all people benefit from machines. In contemporary society, machines can easily solve many laborious jobs that need people to spend so much time and energy in a few minutes. For instance, nowadays computer can instead people to deal with many complex data in a few minutes (过多重复表达); however, the same work could cost people several days before the appearance of computer. Consequently/as a result, people can use their brain （重复的表达式）to work out more advanced machines, and make them work for human beings. It is unnecessary for people to worry about that someday machines may replace human beings. It is no denying that the human mind is superior to machines though there are some intelligent machines nowadays for the reason of （后面有从句，应该用that）machines is （注意主谓一致，用are）the products and tools of [b]people. They need guiding of human beings. （527 words）9:41 注：作者在结构上比较规范清晰，值得提倡，主要问题在语言上，多处体现出用语贫乏，表述失去变化，突出表现在某些词汇表述反复出现，甚至在同一句子中重复出现。另外，对于疑问关系代词的累赘运用也是普遍问题，注意尽量少用，具体如何使用作者推荐了一本书，或者参考其他相关语法书籍。[b]